


Home (A ReyLo/ReyBen fic)

by Elukia



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Fluff, Porn with Feelings
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-22
Updated: 2018-01-30
Packaged: 2019-03-08 07:14:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,350
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13453167
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Elukia/pseuds/Elukia
Summary: Just what I would love to see at the end of episode IX. First chapter is fluff, second and third are kinda fluff too, last one is smut. Enjoy! PS: Bear in mind that English is not my first language, so if you spot any mistakes, tell me! PS2: I will upgrade the rating when the last chapter is out.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * A translation of [Hogar (un fic ReyLoReyBen)](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/353028) by Elukia. 



**_ Chapter 1 _ **

He woke up, feeling an enourmous headache, and he brought his hand to his forehead.

He could remember everything… The connections through the Force with Rey, her insisting him to come back to the light… The dilemma that made him split in two, that broke him inside and made him want to scream endlessly, made him mad…

The Darkness had been everything to him for so long…

But it all had ended when Hux had taken leadership, taking advantage of one fit of rage from him, the Supreme Leader. At first, he had felt rage, an urge to murder him for disobeying. But all that had waved away when that futile dog had given one order that would change everything.

The order to kill Rey.

For some reason, when Hux had pronounced those words, his mind had turned completely blank. The hatred had disappeared. And he only could hear her words, so tender some time ago, when he had told her that she was not alone.

“Neither are you”.

He could only remember her. The touch of her hands. The determination inside her. How her eyes shone when she came there, to him, risking her life by trusting him. Her body heat in the battle, her clumsy, brute ability with the saber…

All that… was going to disappear.

She was going to disappear.

And an unique feeling had flooded him completely, drowning him. But this time, in a way he had never felt before, warm even though it formed a lump in his throat.

And there was not hatred in him while he had destroyed his own ships, while he had killed Hux, while he had felt to his knees before the Resistance and, right after that, lost his consciousness.

No.

A little bit of egoism, maybe. Pain, a deep pain, and anxiousness. But, especially, something he had never thought he could feel. Something he didn’t deserve.

He clenched his fist and, with it, his eyes, sitting up on the litter after releasing himself from the medical dome.

His body was still sore. He sighed.

To be honest, it was pure luck that he was still alive. That last battle had been too much for him. If he had survived, it had been so as to keep Rey safe.

He looked at the palms of his hands.

Maybe it was not luck, but a disgrace.

After all, what would he do now? Live with the Resistance, rebuild the Republic? Who would be able to trust him after everything he had done? Those hands… With those hands he had murdered his own father, one of his most beloved ones. With those hands he had annihilated rebel fleets, allies… And now he was to join them? Ridiculous.

After all, he might really be alone.

“Ben?”

His heart made a pirouette inside his chest, recognizing that voice immediately.

He lift his eyes, and there she was. The end of the war had been kind to her: her cheeks were pinker than ever, and his hair fell down both sides of her face. He opened his mouth, but he did not know what to say.

Rey, reclined on the door frame, smiled.

“I’m glad to see you’re fine”, she said.

He did not answer, feeling a twinge inside him. She was so kind with him… She had always been… Even now. Even though he was not worthy. She should hate him, insult him, reject him. Maybe that way, he could accept his sins. If she was the one to punish him, it would be more than fair. Because nobody knew him better than her.

But for some reason…

Rey came closer to him, hesitant, step after step. She raised a hand to his face, and he tensed up, grabbing the litter mightily, shrinking on himself. While what felt like seconds, he wanted to scream, push her away using the Force and distance himself from her, as he had done so many times.

His lips trembled, thinking about if for a moment.

But something inside him shouted eagerly for her touch, begging for her. Even though he knew that he should not… That he should stay away from her, for her sake, because he was nothing more than a tormented soul, that only brought suffering to anyone around him.

Even though he knew that, he staying still, waiting the touch.

And, finally, Rey’s hand alighted onto his right cheek, onto the scar that she herself had carved on him. Her eyes roamed along her warm fingers, making him shiver, unable to stop staring at her and her concentrated expression, just as soft as her.

He wanted to say something, but could not. He barely felt his own breathing, nor the tears that had started to fall down his cheeks. Only her, her fingers, her presence there, before him, and the delicacy with which she treated him, as if he was something really important.

“Ben?”, she said again, hesitant. “Are you okay?”. She moved away her hand, frowning.

Quickly, almost an instinctive reflex, he grabbed her wrist.

“No”, he said, his voice firm. He breathed in, compelling himself to calm down, and he softened his grip, taking her hand to his cheek again”. Please, no…

“What’s wrong?” Rey tilted her head and, in response, his weeping grew stronger. She started to clean his tears, confused and troubled. He buried his face in her fingers, letting himself get flooded with the sensation”. Ben, would you please tell me what’s wrong?

“You’re so warm…”, he whispered, sobbing, and he clenched his teeth, closing his eyes. He caught a corner of her robe”. Why… why are you doing this?

“Doing what?”, she asked, bewildered, still cleaning his tears.

“Why… why are you touching me?

Rey let out a soft laugh.

“C’mon, Ben, stop fooling around.”

“I mean it!”, he roared, lifting his head. Rey opened her eyes a lot after encountering that face, disfigured with pain; that face she knew so well, and she knew what he was thinking even before he could say it. “I don’t deserve any of this! I should be dead! Why didn’t you kill me?! Why didn’t you put an end to my misery?! To this pain that feasts inside me?!” He slammed the litter, and the whole room trembled. Rey, before him, stood unshaken. “After so much suffering… after so many terrible things… Only death can mend everything I did.”

“Ben”, she said again, with that sweet voice of hers.

He clenched both of his fists, his chest burning. That was only comparable to the pain of killing his father.

“Don’t talk to me like that!”, he stood up, approaching her aggressively, howling, spitting the fire inside him, cornering her against the wall. “I am Kylo Ren! The Supreme Leader! I brought misery upon this universe! I murdered Han Solo! I obliterated countless rebels, so many you couldn’t ever get your head around it! I…! I made you suffer!” The bawling didn’t stop. He banged the wall heavily, just beside Rey’s head, frustration building up again inside him. “Your friends’ lives…! My family’s…! Luke…! I’m stupid, useless, arrogant!! I don’t deserve to live, I don’t deserve to know happiness! My mere existence means disgrace to this universe! So, why didn’t you kill me, Rey?! Death would have hurt less than this, than this… gash, this fire that burns my guts!” Beholding the neuter expression of the girl, he hit the wall again, furious. “Answer me!!”

“You’re not Kylo Ren”, she responded, calm tone, standing as tall as she was. “You’ve never been Kylo Ren.”

“You…!”

“And I know that because we’re the same, Ben”, she continued. She took a step towards him, and he could only retaliate, the heat of his feelings making him hesitate, making him silent. “We all have darkness inside. And light. We’re what we decide wins each day. And it’s okay to be both at the same time. And it’s okay to be confused. You’ve done a lot of things; unforgivable, that’s true, but I also know you did them because of the rampaging whirl of emotions you were withholding. I’m not a jedi, Ben. Neither you are a Sith. We never will. Because balance exists in us.”

“But, I…!”, he babbled.

She stepped forwards again, taking one of his hands, and then the other one, and pulling them together in front of her.

“It’s possible that you’ve done unforgivable things. It’s possible that there’s no one willing to trust you. But I am, Ben.” She lifted her eyes again, staring at his face. “I trust you. I know you. I know you inside and out. I know what you are, I know how you are. That’s why I saved you. That’s why I prevented you from getting killed. Because I know it was you who put an end to this war. Because I know that inside you, there’s light, because I can see it.”

“No, no, no…”, he sobbed, feeling his soul breaking into pieces. “This is all wrong… I…”

“Ben”, she went on. “Do you remember what I told you about coming to me, about joining me?”

“I saw the opposite…”, he replied, perplexed because of that sudden intervention.

She smiled tenderly.

“I think we were both right. The universe doesn’t need more Jedi. It doesn’t need more Sith. We both know what darkness is, what light is. The universe needs our balance. It needs us.”

“Please, Rey… Stop… I can’t… I can’t…” He shook his head, clenching his teeth. However, for some reason, he was unable of avert his hands from hers.

“Of course you can, Ben. I’ve seen it inside you. You’ve come a long way, suffering for yourself, tormenting yourself. Let me take a bit of that burden. Let me be your support, and help you in this path. Let me allow you rest, let me find yourself again.”

“I can’t, Rey”, he said, his voice rupturing. “I can’t do this.”

The smile in Rey’s face vanished.

“Why not, Ben? What’s stopping you?”

“I… I…”

His hands clenched too, and he knew he could not keep the secret anymore. He would tell her, and she would knew why she had to run from him. Because that was too dangerous.

He lifted his head and sank his pupils in hers, memorizing once more his facial features. Her hands were all he could feel. Her hands and the piercing pain in his chest.

“I love you, Rey.” For some reason, right after saying those words, he felt a weight die away, his whole body lighter, and his tears turned more abundant. “All of this… I’ve done all of this because of you. For you to be safe. For you… I’ve realized you were right. That I can’t be light or darkness whole. I’m not even goof for that. And still, I know you can’t reciprocate my feelings. Because I don’t deserve it. I’ve done so much harm to you… I’ve been so horribly awful to you, in every aspect… To everyone… A vile person like me doesn’t deserve redemption, doesn’t deserve to live a content life. It deserves to die and mend all its sins like that. I’m too fickle, too dangerous, too irritable, too… Stupid.” He lowered his sight again, his locks covering his face. “I’m sorry. You should just kill me right now. I’m not going to defend myself. I can’t do it, even if I wanted to. Much less against you.”

“Ben…”

Rey released his hands, and he closed his eyes, feeling completely empty without her touch.

But so it should be.

That is why, after the initial surprise he felt when she grabbed his head, pushing his hair back carefully, and she wrapped him in her arms, he could only stay still.

“I forgive you for everything you’ve done to me, Ben. I know what was feasting inside you, and it’s the same thing mistreating you know.” She squeezed him against her, trying to make him feel as loved as he should have felt much longer before calling himself Kylo. And yet, he would not hug her back, his arms falling inert to his flanks. “You’ve been lost for loads of time. But being lost has something good, and it’s that when you don’t know where you are, nor who you are, you can rebuild yourself up again. Choose the fate you wish. And about not reciprocating your feelings… This may be a little bit selfish from my side, but I also… I love you too.” Rey laughed, amused at the fact of saying out loud something that she had thought for so long that she could never confess.

“R… Rey?”, he said, totally blown away. In his guts, something warm flooded him completely, something even more intense than everything she had made him feel up until that very moment, thick as honey.

“Mmhmm?”, she answered on his chest.

“What are you doing to me?”, he whispered, still unable to hug her.

She laughed.

“I told you I never said I was only light…”

He hold back a chuckle and, inside him, his feelings seemed to calm down and organize themselves a little bit more.

The room became silent.

“Rey?”

“Yes?”

“Is this really okay?” , he asked, hesitant, his tears already drying up on his face, his voice the one an innocent child would have.

“And if it’s not, who cares?”

“Huh?”, he blinked, confused.

Rey moved a bit away from him, frowning and looking at his face, still her arms around him.

“If anyone wants to harm you, I’ll kick their ass. Even if it’s Finn.”

He observed her, her eyes truly filled with determination, and a big smile sprouted on his face.

“What’s up?”, she replied, pouting.

He shook his head, smiling without teeth, and surrounded her with his arms. She raised her eyebrows, delighted, and let him push her against his chest.

“Will you help me redeem myself? Mend my sins, somehow?”

“Always”, she responded, smiling widely, feeling his hand caressing her hair. “After all, it’s what I’ve been doing this whole time, don’t you think?”

He smiled.

The fight inside him went on. But, for the first time in forever, his heart rejoiced, almost hurt because of all the love around him.

He was the worst person in the universe.

But if even this way, if even knowing all the wicked things he had done, if even knowing the torment inside him… If knowing all that, Rey loved him…

He could keep on living. Trying hard.

For her.

For himself.

He closed his eyes, bathing in the body heat emanating from the scavenger that had saved the universe. That had saved him. And he knew she was right.

He might had gotten lost in the darkness. He might had done unforgivable things guided by Snoke, guided by the Darkness.

But he would coexist with that.

Because there, between his arms, a person existed who loved him for himself.

And, even if it was a little bit selfish, he could keep on living if it was like that.

If he had Rey besides him…

He would be able to see the light in his days.

Because he had never been Kylo Ren. Kylo Ren would have never been able to love that way.

He was Han Solo’s son. Leia Organa’s son. Luke Skywalker’s disciple. The former Supreme Leader.

He knew light, and darkness, and loneliness, and love.

He was Ben Solo.

And never, ever, would he make the same mistakes again.

Not with her by his side.


	2. Chapter 2

**_Chapter 2_ **

“Rey!”

Finn came storming into the room, his shirt badly fastened.

“The guardian droids have warned me abou-”

He suddenly stopped, noticing the scene before his eyes. Rey and Ben parted ways, looking away, ashamed. However, Ben grabbed Rey’s robe carefully from behind: he was not ready to have her so far away yet.

Finn lifted his arm, pointing at Ben.

“You…”. He tilted his head. “What did you do to Rey?”

Rey grunted, rolling her eyes.

“Finn, I already told you nothing’s wrong with me!”

“You’ve been acting weird for a long time now. And since… since we ran away from the mine you’ve been acting even weirder. And after that you told me about the wireless calls you were having, and-”

“Connections through the Force”, she said.

“Whatever”. Finn approached them, squinting. “He has had something to do with all this. I’m sure he’s manipulating your thoughts or something along those lines”. Finn could not help but gesticulate, visibly angry.

“Finn, I’ve told you th-“

“Finn!”, a familiar voice exclaimed.

A disheveled Poe appeared at the door, carrying some clothes with him.

“You’ve left this behi-”

He stopped there, in silence, frowning at the sight of the former Supreme Leader. He stood as tall as he was, his smile turning into severity. He looked at him from his toes to his head, thoughtful. For some reason, Kylo Ren seemed… smaller. Not in the physical sense. Something was missing in his personality, that facet that they had seen at the gates of the mine.

A single glance was enough to know.

His wrath had disappeared.

He could see in his neuter face, in the hand grasping Rey’s robe, in the way he stood up.

The grand Kylo Ren was afraid.

He sighed, closing his eyes.

Maybe Rey was right and Kylo did not exist anymore. Maybe that was Ben, the kid lost so long ago. But that did not change everything he had had, all the lives he had taken in his selfishness.

“General Leia…” Poe lifted his head, surprised. Ben Solo was hesitating, his eyes unable to fixate in one place only. He licked his lips and looked at him again. “My mother…”

“She died not long after leaving the mines”, Poe answered. His voice was cold. “We pretended she was still in charge to mislead you.”

Ben lowered his head, contemplating the floor.

“I see”, he murmured. He nodded, frowning his lips. “Okay.”

“Now I’m the one in charge”, Poe continued, grabbing his belt with one hand. “And lemme tell you, I don’t intend to let my guard down anytime soon.”

“That’s right”, Finn echoed, pointing at him again. “Anytime soon”.

“Guys, I appreciate your concern for taking your jobs seriously, but…”, Rey raised an eyebrow, examining them with irony in her pupils. “Don’t you think you should take care after your image a little bit more?”

Finn looked down and, troubled, fastened his belt.

“This isn’t over”, he said, pointing at his own eyes with his index and ring ginger, and Ben’s eyes afterwards, as he left the room.

Poe remained there a few moments, his expression hard even though he was barefoot and wearing his clothes in a funny way and, right after that, still carrying clothes, he followed Finn.

Rey sighed.

“I’m sorry about all that”. She turned to him, smiling softly. “They’re too protective”.

Ben looked at her face, full of sweetness, and he couldn’t help but smile too. He lifted a hand to her face, encompassing her jaw, and she closed her eyes, bathing in the heat of his hand.

“I can understand them”, he replied.

Rey punched him in the chest, and he coughed, trying to hide the fact that she had really done some damage to him.

“Rey?”

“Yes?”

“Could you do me a favor?”

 

It had been his idea, but now, he did not know if he would be really able to fulfill it.

All the Resistance observed him in the lower part of the ship, around little combat machines here and there. He swallowed. Right before him, Poe and Finn contemplated him sideways. Besides him, Rey kept a hand on his shoulder, encouraging him. After him, a huge window allowed the vast space, that was so familiar to him, to be seen.

Ben stepped forward, observing the faces of his public.

There were only looks full of hatred, of disdain, and even some of them were looks of compassion.

None of them were friendly.

Rey tightened her grasp and stood away from him. Ben looked at her for an instant, searching for the braveness he needed, and she nodded.

He breathed in deeply and, stepping forward once again, he did what he should have done a long, long time ago.

Kneeling between Finn and Poe, he bowed to the floor, grazing it with his nose, both of this hands on each side of his head. He could feel the bewilderness around him, the buzzing increasing from the lower deck.

“I know that nothing I can say will be able to make up for everything I’ve done”. As soon as he started talking, his voice amplified by the little microphone on his chest, the room went completely silent. “There are no excuses for what I did. It’s true that I was lost, and hurt, and full of confusion. It’s true that I lost the knowledge of what was real and what wasn’t. It’s true I’ve suffered. But you’ve gone through bad times too. Worse than I have. And yet, you kept the hope that I was so desperate to take away from you. Now I know that everyone goes through that confusion, that we all doubt and suffer. Now I know that I’ve been selfish. A horrible person. And, despite knowing that, there are people who are willing to love me.” He lifted his head, observing his listeners, while the image of Rey went across his head. Their faces were showing mixed feelings. “A few hours ago, I’ve asked to be murdered. I thought that was the only way to mend my sins. But now I understand a little bit better”. He bowed again, his forehead touching the floor this time. “I’m not worthy of forgiveness. I’m not worthy of your friendship. But the least I can do is this. Hate me. Disdain me, ignore me. Tolerate me. Try to kill me. Do as you please. I’m not going to try and scape from this. My punishment will be to see every day what I could have had, and what I will probably never have. So, please. This is my apology, my plea to all of you: don’t let my crimes fall into oblivion. Tell me about those I killed. About the families I destroyed, about the worlds I made explode. Let me cry for them, let me wake up from this trance I have submerged myself. And if one day… If one day you decide to accept me… I’ll never be able to thank you enough. That’s all.”

He stood there, slouched, holding back his tears, until he felt two hands on his back. He turned to them, his eyes crying, and he faced Rey.

“Let’s go”, she whispered.

Ben blinked, confused, stumbling as he tried to stand up. Rey took his mic and, after giving it to a droid, she pulled Ben out of the crowd. He could not stop looking behind him, stretching an arm to the ship crew. The last thing he saw before the doors closed was the face of a solemn Poe, totally unshaken.

Rey sighed, shaking her head. She released his hand and turned to him, slightly frowning.

“Do you feel better?”

“It’s what mother would’ve wanted”, he whispered, crestfallen.

Her expression dulcified and, carefully, she pulled his hair back from his forehead. He looked at her, feeling how his self was filled with peace immediately. She put his head in her hands, smiling, and approached her lips to his, slowly.

During the brief instant before touching, Ben hesitated again, his peace upset.

But as soon as their mouths touched, he forgot about everything. She came closer to him, tangling her heads into his hair. Ben felt his heart flutter and, confused, noticed as something else emerged inside him.

A pressing sensation, as if they were still too far away from each other.

Rey was going to get away from him, as sweet as usual, but he could not allow that. He grasped her wrist with one hand and, with the other one, he wrapped her waist, drawing her to him, their bodies even closer than before, when they had hugged.

But he was not satisfied.

Ben separated barely a millimeter, sighing, his mind completely blank.

“Rey”, he murmured, and he felt her shivering between his arms.

No, it was not enough.

He approached his mouth to hers but, before touching, he trapped her inferior lip between his teeth, biting carefully. He could see the redness and surprise on her face, and his heart turned upside down in his chest again, his stomach feeling flooded by a thick warmness. He kissed her again, but this time he took advantage of the opening of her lips to look for her tongue with his own, delighted by her flavor, discovering more parts of her. At the same time, he started to caress her back, following his instinct, entangling her hair around his fingers. He was breathless, but he could not stop. He wanted more from her, more and more.

They averted for an instant, and Ben made her spin, putting her against the wall, pressing his whole body against her, caressing her neck while their tongues played with each other. He took his hand down to her waist, and then, to her hips, grabbing them with strength and pulling them to him. It was in the moment before touching that a groan escaped his lips in middle of their passionate kiss, and he realized what he was doint.

He let her go, panting, troubled. Rey looked at him, her eyes wide, her face red. Ben felt the blush come up to his ears and, evading her eyes, ashamed, he lowered his sight, licking his lips again.

“I-I’m sorry… I-I don’t know… I don’t know what happened to me”.

Rey opened her mouth, but she was unable to articulate any sound.

Ben bowed clumsily and, almost sprinting, he ran away from her, cursing himself, mumbling, till he reached the small room he had been given, leaving a totally perplexed and disheveled Rey behind.


End file.
